Exposed

I consider myself a reckless person. There isn't much I'm afraid of. I'm not even afraid of the current economy. I get motion sickness when flying but in reality I'm not afraid of it.

However, I do have a phobia. I can't say it outloud, but this isn't really outloud so here goes.

Doctors. Otherwise known as Latriphobia. Ok, I am self diagnosed but I have no fear that I am wrong.

There I said it. I am acutely afraid of doctors, hospitals, anything related to the medical field. I purposely got into computer science to avoid that nightmare. I would rather go to jail for a night than a hospital. Real gangster jail, not that work release country club shit.

The only time I have ever had surgery in my life is when I had my tonsils out when I was 5 years old. My parents packed my little Holly Hobbie overnight case, stocked up on popsicles, and set off to the hospital with me in the backseat thinking I was going to Sesame Street.

In 1969, they sent parents home for the night.

That mistake may have been rectified immediately after my visit.

Don't think I didn't put on my pink fuzzy slippers and try to escape. You'd also think a 5 year old curly red mop top in Burt 'n Ernie pj's would be a dead give away. Turns out, I made it all the way to the main entrance. I had a taxi in my sights and my kool-aid sale money in my sock. Nurse Ratchet caught me and confined me to a bed that looked like a cage. The next morning, it took 6 nurses to hold me down for a sedative injection to the glutious. In 1969, nurses could kick your ass for realz. They wore white caps, starched white dresses, and white support hose. I do believe they were convent rejects, traveled to work on a broom, and gave enimas just for the fun of it. I lived, but I was scarred for life mentally.

Then I used to watch TV shows like Emergency, then later General Hospital, then even later Grey's Anatomy like people watch horror movies (oh man they are giving her 800 cc's of lactated ringers, stat, what are they going to do with that needle, what the hell).

Anyway. Cut to 2008. Imagine my surprise when I felt something strange about my neck last month. In true Latriphobia fashion, I went to see my kinder gentler holistic doctor.

Who requested a thyroid ultrasound at the hospital.

Shit.

My sister the endocrinologist assistant told me "maybe they will do a needle biopsy to rule out thyroid cancer". What the hell? "uh yeah I gotta go to a meeting or something bye" then assumed the fetal position under my desk in my cubicle.

So yesterday I dragged myself to the hospital, let them check me in, read my Kindle while I waited, then let the technician lead me to her little ultrasound dark room. I thought my joke "is that the heartbeat" was funny but I guess not so much. After about a minute in to the ultrasound, she got up and said she had to "go get someone else to look at this". Before I could crap my pants, 3 doctors stormed the room, there was alot of whispering ("there are 3 over there, 2 over there, be sure to get that, and that"). Hello! I'm right here! I can hear you!

This.is.not.happening.

The smartest looking doctor walked me out. Actually handed me her card. Said "your doctor will be calling you in a few days, if he doesn't, get ahold of me at that number". And "we got some really good pictures".

I was too afraid to ask.

This morning already, as I'm getting ready for work, the hospital calls my house. The lady on the other end said "the radiologist took a look at your ultrasound and would like you to come back to the hospital, can you come today?". Not my doctor, this was the hospital on the phone. For all I know this person's full name was Shit The Hospital.

My best attempt to deal with my fear was to get cocky "you caught me off guard, I'm not sure about today, how about Friday?". She said that "should" be ok.

Again. I was too afraid to ask. Haven't picked up the phone to call anyone. When they say "come back to the hospital"... in my head I hear things like "so we can give you an upper and lower GI, at the same time", and "the needle we will stick in your neck is only 9 inches long", and my all time favorite "catheters only hurt when they are going in".

Why would I think a gastrointestinal exam would be involved? I don't know, it's my phobia, leave me alone.

I will check back in with you on Friday, if they can get me out from under my bed.